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ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhh

i have the worst food poisoning. my whole body can hardly move to ttype thisd efficiently.i seriously am considering becoming a vegetarian. i cant take this.

I've been awake for two days straight.
My mind blurs, my back aches... sentences slur.
I wish I was alone on an orange mound of desert,
My back lays hot against the dry, cracked surface.
I look up and can actually see the wind blowing,
It spirals carelessly, like a girl, who flips her hair and doesn't notice you.
Brisk, white, and smooth as milk, is the wind...
Like my skin before it was burnt and aged.
The horizon lays violet against eternity,
A child of the moon slips out from heaven or hell.
A kiss, smack, against my scalp.
A whisper, a promise, of chaos and madness.
The calm within the battleground.
I'd do anything to drown the sound,
The wind within my head.
I'd do anything to descend-- the mound,
The guilt I feel instead.

i am so aggravated. this fucking bailout bullshit is ruining everything for me. it will be impossible to get a loan to study abroad at this point.

I have a very large reading list to get started on. I can't find some of them at the library including, Failing Paris by Samantha Dunn and The Last Bongo Sunset by Les Plesko. I will manage somehow. I came across Marge Piercy in the library yesterday by chance. Right above S.P., I see a big book that said 'Sex Wars' on it and had to start reading it. How did I not know about her before? I am feeling a bit better now than I was yesterday, as I was on the verge of a breakdown as usual. I just realize how big my void really is... a big gaping hole of utter bitterness, but I'll fill it with reading again and start writing some better stuff, promise.
This along with my trip to Europe will be life changing. I can feel myself about to take off into an entirely different realm. I am going to discover things about myself that I never knew were there. I can feel it, it's coming.
We have no soap in the house, I've been bathing with the last drops of the body wash Ashley gave me that smells like paper flowers. Right now, it is my favorite scent.

"Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?" - Nietzsche





I'm banning myself from writing until I can find a new approach.

I want the world.
and i want it to myself.




















thats all.

if there is a god, why cant he make me this beautiful?


is that too much to ask??
meh... someday i will start writing again, promise.

im on the top, middle.



 

the Ventral Tegmental Area (VTA) and the caudate nucleus of your brain are highly stimulated, the deeper in love, the more active they are. Also, these same dopamine rich areas of the brain are stimulated the same way when under the influence of cocaine... and even when people eat chocolate! 
The VTA is the reward center of our brains.  And so now what I'm curious about is what part of our brain is most active during an orgasm.

 

on the outside, looking in
a serpent cries beneath your skin
cordially, you uninvite
detached, deranged,
with a bark that bites

 A Baby Crow Drove Eager, Furry, Gorillas Home. I Just Kept Letting Mongooses Nourish Ovaries. People Quit Randomly Skimming Through Ultra-Vile Workbooks.  Xerxes Yelled "Ziggurat!"


And someday... I will write one that actually makes sense.
The end.

Honesty doesn't really exist, or perhaps only partially. I believe its possible to say that things are true, but underneath there is so much more that you would never reveal or even bring to the surface of the mind (which is not being honest, but not necessarily lying either.) So you don't always have to be honest, yet still not a liar. I am not honest, but I am not always a liar when I am not honest. I keep attempting to stare greedily into the eyes of a stranger without looking away in shame or denial. I just can't do it. My eyes go all crazy, all over the place like a neurotic goldfish. But what I really wish is to stare into those eyes, shameless and effortless. We will never be able to fully understand or be aware of our own thoughts, emotions, abilities and desires, for if we could we would be both amazed and disgusted.

I havent posted on here forever.. probably because I hate the idea of online journals, you know? I dont need everyone reading this shit. Well here I am staying up until four-thirty AM again, probably wont wake up until three PM. Im wasting my life away. I just want to love myself.... maybe be proud of something I do, someday.